im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Dear god my vagina.
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