I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
