Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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