It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
