home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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