Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We were destined to go to rehab together
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize