its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
