So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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