Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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