Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
