Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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