Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
