the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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