why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
