there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
