I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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