I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Randomize
