I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
