if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
