she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
