my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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