hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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