so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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