New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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