i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
