smell my finger.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
