she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm passing your future prison.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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