I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
