I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
