I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
