Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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