You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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