I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Let's get the cat blown out
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
