Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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