I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
