Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
