your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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