I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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