All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
