Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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