after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
