omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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