My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
