I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
