I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
