What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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