I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
