I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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