FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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