Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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