I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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