It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
