A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
