did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
