I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
