is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
