guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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