GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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