I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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