I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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