Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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