Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!

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(254): View more from Texas

I'M GETTING MARRIED!

(512): View more from Texas

YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!

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(818): View more from California

Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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(804): View more from Virginia

i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.

(804): View more from Virginia

i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.

(786): View more from Florida

that would mean it's on tape

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(705): View more from Ontario

And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".

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(626): View more from California

You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin

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(214): View more from Texas

Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"

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(404): View more from Georgia

so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...

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