I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
