I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
