At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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