Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
