I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
