Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
