So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
