Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize